Silent Thoughts

Life can be hard...for some people it is often, for other it seems like always and for other it is almost, on the unavoidable way to Christmas, my life is getting hard...seeing all the families being in the city; laughing, maybe also singing and being together as a family while me....where is my family? Where is my life?
Christmas time makes me always sad, really sad and again, I start to think about my life again and I have this great feeling that my whole life is a lie...A BIG and unavoiable lie.

Then I think about a definition? What means family to me? There is the moment when I realise that I do not know what that never had a family, not THAT one everyone is thinking about when they hear that word.

I am thinking about 6 years ago, in April 2002 when I was lucky that I got a place in an exchange which has been already booked out but there has been a family which has been asked if they want to take part again...this was the beginning of a wondeful thing. On the day when I went there I thought I would be crazy...going into a country and a hostfamily I do not even know or I even do not speak their language good enough...
From the very first moment we could deal each this was my feeling I do not know how she was a completly new experience that they acted to me as normal...they ignored my disability...I was...NORMAL. They gave my life a new sense without knowing it....NOW she will know when she reads let me tell you one thing which is on my deep deep heart: Even I have not written so often there has not been a day when I was not thinking about you became my special family like your mother said to me...I remember when I had to go back to Germany...we were crying, not wanting to say Goodbye because we had so much fun!! Next year you came and it was so great!! And then we saw each other every year you moved from one place to another but still we had contact...and then...the last time we saw it was in was strange I knew this time it will take longer to see each other again and that made it more difficult. I MISS YOU!!!
But hey, there is something on its way to you!

All these days, now I am living alone, I feel so alone and sad. Taizé made me happy again and the time after I was still happy for a long time and everytime I got a message form you let my heart jump.
The only thing which is missing now is a family HERE.


21.12.08 22:08


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